23 December 2007

not "when" yet

Lauren did indeed work her string-pulling magic. The new agency has told her that they would be willing to represent me. (WOW!) However, I'm still waiting to have an e-mail answered by the agency. (I picked a great time to be switching--what with the holidays and my current agency's reaccreditation. SARC!) I want to speak to the director directly before making any decisions. If they are willing and able to register me in Leningrad Oblast then we'll switch. (gulp) If they reccommend another region, I'll need to weigh things a bit. It seems like a wasted opportunity to be in Russia, able to visit d2b regularly between "trips", and not take advantage of all the transition-smoothing that would allow. That being said, I am willing to go wherever it is that d2b is waiting. I've really wanted to take the Trans-Siberean Railway to Vladivostock for years now... ;>

I know that I am too much of a people-pleaser. Not only do I want my current agency to like me, I feel like I'M letting THEM down by considering a switch. I believe that they did nothing out of malice. However, their cautiousness and unpleasant demeanor has cost me time, social workers and irreparable damage.

I try not to dwell on what's been invested so far. But, you've been asking, so who am I to disappoint? I quit my perfect job 3 1/2 years ago to start saving and building respectability. I announced my plans and officially "started" about 22 months ago. I've spent $7000 with my current agency. My first hs (which never saw the light of Russia) cost $1800. My second hs, so far, has cost $2200. It will cost another $1000 to complete. So, I guess that's a total of 3 1/2 years and about $12,000 invested so far.

I know there's a reason for all of this. And, I know I probably don't get to know what that reason is. I just get to trust and move forward. I feel called to pursue Russian adoption. So I'll keep pouring out the time and money until God says, "When".

When my good friend, Kerry, was considering how much time had been invested so far, she told me that my daughter was going to be AMAZING to have kept me waiting so long. I can't wait to see that amazingness for myself!

9 comments:

Rachael said...

Keep the faith...she is going to be amazing, I'm sure.

Katie said...

I am not sure what you know of my story with John and Finley - but every crazy thing that could happen DID in their adoptions - and it took forever (and almost twice as much as we had saved - four trips to Russia as opposed to two, one lost referral after we met her, 13 mos between trips 1 and 2 for John, the "gentle talk" that we would prob not get him after all, the half-hearted AT FIRST trip to meet and then adopt Finley, the call three weeks later that we could come right back and get John after all...) and here I sit, watching my three (remember, had Eli out of some blessed fluke of fertility 6 yrs ago)bedheadded children watch CARS and discuss whether it will snow in TN for Christmas Eve tomorrow....and I get teared up. I promise you, it will be but a faint memory when she comes home, and you will agree, as I do, that these kids we are graced with are worth every tear, every prayer, every cent, every exhausted RE-doing of paperwork (I had three HS), every "when do you think.." question, every every every

Everything. Merry Christmas. Just think - next Christmas could be so different...

Two cents from the other From Russia with Love...

Maggie said...

The day I was matched with Slugger I wrote a post about how wonderful it was to "When" and quit saying "If." Your when will come.

The McCollum Adoption said...

Kate,

It will happen as you know it took us 34months to get Emma home but it did happen we lost 3 referrals along the way and I so thought they where the one now with Emma home I do relize we have the little one met for us. Keep the faith it will happen for you.

Kimberley

kim said...

Here is hoping you get to experience your "amazingness" sooner rather than later. The obstacles are excruciating. Hang in there... Merry Christmas.

Jackie said...

I do believe your daughter will be amazing!! She will be meant for your family and arrive exactly when she is supposed to. (That's how I looked at it ;)

I'm waiting along with you and can't wait to hear how things progress going forward.

Nola and I wish you a wonderful Christmas, Kate!!!

emjay said...

Kate, d2b is getting closer, we just know it. She may come through your current agency or a switch, but she is coming! As the others have said, the difficult path that is so strongly etched in your mind right now will fade as it's replaced by happy times with your new daughter(s).

I wish you strength as you do your due diligence to make a decision that brings you peace.

Merry Christmas!

Becky and Keith said...

I'm just catching up on blogs and boy did I miss a lot! I understand what you mean when you talk about being too much of a people pleaser. I find myself being the same way and whenever I thought about switching agency I thought the same things you did. It's also hard to leave something you've spent so much time on! Like everyone else, I know that once you have d2b you will forget all of this craziness. It doesn't make it easier now, but hopefully it gives you that glimmer of hope!

Lisa said...

Screw pleasing your old agency! Trust me, switching was THE BEST decision I ever made. My old agency is so screwed up, I'm not sure it even cost me all that much more to switch... so many hidden fees and extra fees with the old agency, based on what I heard from others.

I don't know about forgetting the excruciating-ness of this horrible wait... I still remember all of it in vivid detail. I don't ever want to do it again (thank you Lord, for letting me get my two at once!) and I'm not at all sure the pain will fade with time. Was it worth it? Of course.

And, I know now, my girls were not even born when I started this journey. So maybe I was just jumping the gun and the good Lord helped me wait until the right time.

But it was still painful, and I still remember every detail!

Hope your "when" comes soon!

Hugs, Lisa