14 April 2008

just.plain.wrong

I've been rather disengaged from the blogoshpere...and life in general...lately. My apologies. It's been a tough time for me. This last week has been particularly difficult. I guess after 2+ years waiting, I was due.

Last Monday's visit hit me hard. Every visit with the girls is more precious as I see more and more of who the girls really are--Children's Home: Uncensored. I know them better and enjoy them more. But, it's also harder to leave. Knowing who these little people are that I drive away from, covered with hugs and kisses and good wishes, just makes it that much harder to leave them behind.

I visited the girls in the orphanage to celebrate K and Ka's birthdays. Ka was happy with her requested present of a hairdryer. K had asked for shower gel. (LUSH fans, I gave her a giant bottle of Happy Hippy.) I also put some lotion and body spray I'd been given, a hairbrush, some funky soap, a shower puff and some ponytail holders into a pink gift bag.

K looked through the bag, smelling the gel and spraying the body spray. She didn't know what the lotion was. She asked me if it was for her teeth. She is 12.

This just shattered me. This is an amazing little girl that I love. And it's not the fact that she didn't know what lotion was that hurts my heart. It is all the simple love and care that lotioning represents that she's missed out on in her life. She has never been lifted, warm from the bath, and cuddled in a towel and been lotioned from head to toe. No one has seen her winter-day hands or windburnt cheeks and smoothed lotion on them to stop the itching. Her painful, sunburnt legs have never been eased with lotion.

I explained it was cream for after her shower. She, very seriously, in my exact words, explained it to the caretaker later. I didn't cry then. But, every time I think of this, I cry. I am not a cry-er.

My next plan for the girls is a manicure/pedicure session. I've already bought the foot soak, scrub and cream. I've got everything needed to put on and take off nail polish. But, it doesn't really ease my heart. It's a very small drop in a very large bucket. I'm literally sick about what K's missed. I've had a week of headaches and spontaneous teary outbursts. This is very, very unlike me.

Please, my praying friends, pray for my girls in room 3.10.

19 comments:

Tami said...

How heartbreaking! I don't blame you for getting so upset. These children are missing out on so much of life...but you, my dear friend, are giving them little snippets and for that I am incredibly proud of you! :) I know you want to do more...and we'll be praying for wisdom and insight into what you can do, but please take a little comfort in knowing you are making a huge difference in their world just by being in it. We'll be praying mighty hard for these precious girls.

Tricia said...

What you need to do next time you visit is bring a very large suitcase and smuggle them out!

I feel for you girlfriend!

Rachael said...

This makes my heart sick to hear; I see why it has affected you so; at the same time, I am heartened by the happiness you spread to room 3.10.

And, it may just be a small drop in a big bucket, but you never know what ripple effect those small drops will be. I think you and those girls were meant to be together in this way!

Stay strong. Keep loving them. We'll keep praying (for them AND for you.)

Ktates said...

Oh Kate-
Your post just breaks my heart for you and for them. Rachel is right - it might seem like a small thing but I'm sure it's huge and wonderful for them.

I have been bad at keeping in touch with you but I think and pray for you regularly! Hopefully things will go well with the new agency.

Katie said...

And they will remember it forever.

Tina in CT said...

Reading this stirs two emotions - gut wrenching sadness at all these girls have missed from having a loving parent and frustration with the red tape that prevents loving people who want to be a parent and adopt one of these children.

I can see why you feel torn apart. Just think of the joy and happiness you are bringing the children and their knowing that someone really cares for them.

Becky and Keith said...

I absolutely admire your dedication to these girls. I know it must be so hard to not scoop them up and take them with you! Your story made me so sad. You give those girls so much joy, hope and happiness everytime you visit. It takes such a special person to be able to handle what you do and you should be so proud! Prayers for all of you!

kim said...

What a bittersweet post. I know it must be tough for you to leave them. For what it's worth, Anna loves doing her nails... sometimes 3 times in one day. Those small packs of fingernail polish are a hit... just don't forget the remover. Ya'll are in my prayers.

Melissa said...

Kate, I cried reading your post. I can't help but think that you are a wonderful ray of sunshine to these girls who have had so little. You ARE making a difference...it may be difficult to see that, but you are.

MetricGirl said...

Sigh. That is indeed just plain wrong, and heartbreaking to boot. But as others have pointed out, it also shows what a difference you are making with your visits.

Tammy said...

Studies have shown that kids who grow up in difficult circumstances have a much better chance having just ONE person who cares about them. YOU may be the difference maker for them and your love may just what they need to have resiliency to survive their destitute childhood.

Debbie B said...

Oh Kate, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I pray for your heart daily to be able to make it to the end of this calling. And I am also praying for your girls that they find familes.

Maggie said...

It's not a small drop to them, Kate. Not at all.

Annie said...

Oh, you break my heart, too. You dear girl. A mother's heart and girls needing a mother. You are making such a difference to them. But I know what you mean, and you expressed it so well. It will make me cry, too, again and again whenever I think of it. I'm glad you are getting picked up by sailors to add some variety to your thoughts.

Lea said...

Just catching up on blog reading. Very heartbreaking. I will say a prayer for and your girls.

Michelle said...

Hi Kate,

I would like to help these girls out. Is there any way I can send you some lotion and pampering products to take to them? I could either send money or send the actual products whatever is easier. This post just made me sad and angry that there are so many who need love and attention and th government red tape just gets in the way.

Blessings to you what you are doing is going a long way with these girls.

Lauri said...

I am late too...

That breaks my heart.. what little things we take for granted.


You & the girls are in my prayers

Heidi said...

And I bet you don't even know the magnatude, the impact, the life long effects of what you do for them are.
It's not a small drop to them. It's all they have.
You bring them sunshine and life.
From the rest of the world, we thank you!
I know you want so much more for them, for your self. This is painful.
This is why we all cried as we read your post.
Bless you.

MoscowMom said...

I keep thinking about what you wrote here... It was so heartbreaking... Thank you so very much, Kate, for the difference you're making in those girls' lives. They are so very lucky, as are you; if only it didn't rip you up inside in the process...

You--and they--have my prayers.