charming

On the bottom of my acting resume, under the heading "Special Skills" there is a list of random things I can do that a casting director may find useful. At the end of that line, right after stage combat, it says "child charming".

I am a child charmer. I don't use a pipe and a basket, but I do seem to captivate children. Some of this is experience. But most of it, I think, is that I simply understand children. The same things that make me a good actor or a good psych student--excellent focus and listening skills and lots of empathy, the ability to play or be very still, a grasp of motivation--make me a child charmer. I guess.

I'm very confident around children. I feel like I know what I'm doing. Then I started reading about adopting post-institutionalized (pi) children. So many things about interacting with them is different. I encourage independence in children. PI children are too independent. They have spent their lives fending for themselves and need to be taught to trust and be dependent upon a parent.

Both spanking and time-outs are ineffective discipline measures. Spanking (and we're not talking in-the-heat-of-the moment; I mean calmly, lovingly, matter-of-factly with reconciliation afterwards), when you don't know the history of abuse, can be traumatizing or, at the very least, counter-productive. Time away from the scary world of "attaching" and being close is exactly what these children want. It is not a punishment to have time away from Mom--it's comforting, familiar territory.

Co-sleeping (in the same room or the same bed) is highly recommended for attachment. Watching videos/tv facilitates language building. (I still think I may be able to outtalk the tv...) Healthy food available 24/7 is advised to reduce hoarding behaviours. These are not things that I anticipated doing as a parent.

I was talking to my sister about these differences and she said that by adopting I'm levelling the playing field. That no one is supposed to know anything when having a child. (Amy, Lara thought that was very funny.)

I know that all the differences above are suggestions and "book learning"; that each child is unique and reacts according to both her own past experiences and her own personality. I'm glad I've read it, though. It will help when d2b gets home and we have to start peeling away past hurts and insecurities. (That made me think of Eustace in "The Voyage of the Dawn Treader" when Aslan takes off his thick, dragon skin and leaves him feeling very small and tender.) It's good to have someplace to start. But, I still think a little "deep listening" and child charming will stand me in good stead.