06 March 2008

two years later

Were you beginning to wonder if you'd ever get an adoption post again?

After months of trying to make things work with my agency (long phone calls, explicit e-mails, much head banging, etc.) and contacting any agencies that work in either St. Petersburg or Leningradskaya Oblast to facilitate an ex-pat adoption it looks like...

I'll be changing both agencies and regions. Nearly two years to the day from my first adoption announcement, I'm starting over again.

I'm quietly optimistic but not jumping for joy. I am happy to be moving forward but heartsore to know that there are children here in St. Petersburg--special, amazing, wonderful children--whom I thought might be mine but aren't. Now. I've got ten names added to my constant and fervent prayers. I am trusting these little sparrows to His care. But I still miss them. I still can't erase the pictures I have of them playing on my living room floor. And I feel a little guilty about leaving them behind.

I really love my city. I love its glorious past--rising from the marshes, home to the tsars, the window on the West. I love wandering its gardens and streets. I love its beauty and crumbling grace. I was looking forward to bringing home d2b from the home of the Romanovs. (Ann Marie will tell you, this city is unparalleled in Russia.)

But, what matters is getting d2b home, not where she is before she is home. Besides, she'll be a St. Petersburg devochka very soon!

That's all for now. I don't want to rehash all the craziness of the last weeks. My current (soon to be ex?) agency knows I'm looking for other representation but doesn't know I think I've found it. Please, those who know them, keep this quiet for now.

28 comments:

Annie said...

Good luck Kate. It shouldn't be so hard.

I meant that in a soul-searching sort of way, but then thought, "Isn't that the goal these days? Keeping the kids in Russia?" Surely an ex-pat is several steps better than a completely foreign adoption!

The heart will always ache for the ones that aren't yours. In particular I still think of Danile at the Interdom in Ivanovo. Even my husband said, "Why don't we adopt him?" a gentle, kind boy....but then Anastasia's brother Ilya came along.... Why? I will probably never know, just have to trust it is all in His plan.

Tina in CT said...

You've sure been through a lot and one day, you and your daughter will look back.

Tami said...

I'm glad you've found peace in moving on. You're right...it doesn't matter where she's from as long as she ends up at home with YOU! Now that you're able to move on to a new agency and a new region, I know you're time will come soon. i can't wait to read all about it.

MMrussianadoption said...

good for you. i hope things start to happen for you now

Carrie said...

I have my fingers crossed for you Kate, 2 years is an incredibly long time to wait. Not that my opinion matters, but think your decision to switch (I don't know who your new agency will be) is a really good choice.

Jim said...

К мне, это самый хороший план. Твоя дочь ещё будет русская.

Я желаю тебе очень быстрые удочерение.

Rachael said...

Yes, you have been uncharacteristically quiet lately, as you work behind the scenes, apparently. I was wondering...

Still praying for you and d2b, as you pray for those kiddos too, and wishing fervently for your happy ending, friend!

emjay said...

Kate, it sounds like you are at peace with your decision. I know it's not easy to let go of all of your previous plans, not to mention the little faces in your mind and heart.

Prayers that your new agency will lead you on a smooth path to your d2b, and that you don't have to deal with anything like what your old agency has put you through.

MetricGirl said...

I think you are doing well to be 'quietly optimistic' after the last two years. As opposed to, you know, living at the bottom of a bottle of vodka. :) I think that because this is such an important journey, we always question our choices and regret the paths we didn't take.

Here's to your new road to d2b!

Lisa said...

Changing agencies was the best decision I ever made during my adoption. I know how hard it is, but when you're on this side of it, you'll be so glad you did. Hang in there.

Jenni said...

Best of luck to you Kate. We changed agencies too, and it was the best decision we could have made! Suddenly things moved forwards, whereas before they had been stalled for months!

I look forward to seeing where your new agency will lead you and where you will find your d2b.

Tricia said...

I am sad to hear that your current path has come to an end, but "things happen for a reason".

Ugh, at these times I hate that phrase but I really hope that this decision brings you closer - and quicker - to d2b.

Thinking of you and lovin' your city as well.

habeshachild said...

Congratulations, Kate! I like the idea of a fresh start, and I'm sure this ride will be a smoother one for you. I'm sure, though, that it's really hard to let go of the idea of a child from St. Petersburg...

You are in my thoughts and prayers!

MoscowMom said...

Good luck, Kate. It's ridiculous (I'm sure you could use some much stronger words) how long this process is for you. I hope the new agency can help to bring your daughter to you as quickly as possible!

kim said...

I hope this is the change you need to end up with the desired results. Your journey has been a long one and I hope this change will result in a family for you soon. Hugs and prayers!

mommyto5 said...

Oh Kate, I know this is a very difficult and personal decision for you. But feel assured you have given it your all and now God has opened another amazing door for you. Prayers all works out and you find your precious daughter soon!

annmarie said...

Kate, go make me some brownies, will ya?

mwah!

Debbie B said...

I'm so glad you're moving on. I'll be praying that you'll be able to speed through this process and get your girl home.

Anonymous said...

My sweet friend! I'm so l glad to hear that you are at peace with moving on. It's never easy to let go of the "might have beens" but when you have your angel in your arms you'll know that God's plan is always better than ours ever is!
It has to work out this way in order for you to be with the d2b that is truly d2b!!! :)
Lots of love to you!--Signe and Varya xxoo

Allison B said...

Kate, this is a bittersweet post. I'm glad you're moving on, and seem to have peace with your decision. I'll look forward to more details--region, projected timeline, 1 girl or 2--when you have info and are ready to share.

Christine said...

Best wishes to you. It is so hard to understand why the children in our own backyard can't be adopted. We had the same problem when we first looked into the fost-adopt program. Hopefully with you now moving forward, 2008 will be the year!

Tami said...

Hey...adoption is tough but we do what we have to do. I'm sure this will all work out. Good luck and keep your head up!

Laura said...

Wow Kate!
Good for you! I hope a new agency makes your dream come true.
Can't wait to hear more!
hugs.

Maggie said...

Whatever is going to get things actually moving for you. You've been held in limbo for far too long.

6blessings said...

Sounds very promising. I'm so sorry it has been this long and you are still waiting. Hopefully, progress is on the horizon. You are going to be an incredible mother. I can't wait to watch the forward motion.

Carrie said...

So, have you found the right bus yet?

Allison B said...

Kate, Kohl's has been selling Horton (the elephant) toys and books lately. Just the other day, I got a card from Build-a-Bear, and it showed an elephant. Everywhere I look--elephants! Here's hoping your elephant makes her appearance soon.

Teresa said...

Kate - I was very lucky in my adoption process in St. Petersburg. I worked with a wonderful agency based here in the U.S. and adopted from Baby Home #12 in St. Petersburg. The agency was started by a wonderful woman named Larissa who is originally from St. Petersburg, and they have wonderful relationships with the various ministries, etc. It is International Assistance Group in Pittsburg, PA (www.iagadoptions.org). I met with them on June 30, 2004; received the referral on August 15, 2004; made the 1st trip in September and the 2nd trip in October and was home by November 1, 2004. And they have a wonderful team on-the-ground in St. Petersburg. If you are still looking for any agency, I would give them my highest recommendation. Best of luck to you!