16 May 2008

at odds

I've been feeling at sixes and sevens lately. Last week I couldn't settle my mind to anything--reading, cooking, walking, cleaning, watching a movie. My mind just danced about and refused to be still. This week is better than last, but I still feel a little unsettled. I'm not sure exactly why.

I started packing last weekend. That makes it sound like I did a lot more than I actually did. I packed up d2b's hanging clothes and took down the poster and packed up the crib. It's a strange feeling to know that the room I'd prepared and little-girlified is never going to be d2b's room. I've napped there, prayed there...and now it's packed away. The bed is still made and there is more packing to do...but it's being dimantled. I actually think the new room will be better--bigger, lighter...but it's still strange.

I find that my waiting is much longer with new agency. Yes, I think they are more active. I have greater trust in them. But they don't always respond to e-mails. About 20% of my messages (and that's generous) will be acknowledged--even when they contain a dircect question or a request for a reply. Old agency had many flaws, but they did reply to every e-mail I sent. People at new agency go on vacation and I don't get a heads up or even receive an auto-response. And, because they don't all work on Fridays and I live here, that dreaded weekend silence that others have mentioned and blogged about stretches from Friday morning before school until Monday night (They get into the office around 6 pm Monday my time.). Maybe that's what has me unsettled.

I really am excited about my new agency, my new flat...but maybe it's too many "news" all at once. I'm not excited about my new region, and the added expense that travelling out of St. P will entail, but I am excited about how quickly things seem to move there.

I miss my friends. I have colleagues here, and we are friendly, but I miss my FRIENDS. I am very blessed to have wonderful friends that I've known for decades--friends made when I was in elementary school, in college, doing theatre, teaching school. I've collected kindred spirits along the way and hung on to them. I am loyal, as one of those long-time friends pointed out to me, and I keep my friends. I am much more of an introvert than people think. I don't reveal a lot of myself (contrary to this post!). So, the friends I have, the ones I've invested in and shared things with, I hang on to tightly. They know too much to be cut loose. ;> So, maybe missing them has me out of whack.

I don't know. I just hope I'm back in my own skin soon.


habeshachild said...

not surprising that you are feeling out of sorts -- so much change all at once for you. plus, having to move it a big one, since home is kind of like the safety zone - a sanctuary of sorts. i'm sure you'll get yourself sorted soon. in the meanwhile, keep posting! :-)

Heidi said...

Mmmm, yes, agree with previous comment. Home is so important to me. When moving or rearranging/changing, it's a little unsettling and feels much better when it's all done and "home" again.
I find it helps to eat more chocolate during these times! ;)

Tina in CT said...

I like Heidi's adice - stock up on good chocolate.

Tina in CT said...

I like Heidi's adice - stock up on good chocolate.

Debbie B said...

I've been there. I know what it's like packing the rom that was never used. I also understand the lack of response from the agency although you being so far is much harder. I say that to say I know a little of what you are going through and I know how to pray.
Don't forget to relax some in the middle of all the changes, stay refreshed.

votemom said...

i understand every single word you wrote today.

fine tune your focus on YouKnowWho.


Annie said...

AND its the end of the school year, AND the light is changing and the weather. Change always has me befuddled, and changes in the school year are especially hard somehow. You have to say goodbye to those children, and everyone seems to be lightening the load, doing different sorts of activities. Frankly, I always hung doggedly onto routine until the bitter end. I really think it was easier on the children. There are enough "specials" that you can't do anything about. Anyway, I know my classes were always more well-behaved than the others! And it helped my sense of unrest, too.

Rachael said...

Will brown sugar and Aveeno help your spirits? It's on its way...

I HATE to move. I understand your distress (esp. since it's not JUST that.) Courtyard parking...keep saying it until you drag yourself back up.

Hope you're feeling less out of sorts soon. It's too bad a trip to the US is logistically out right now. I imagine that would help. CALL one of those friends. And hang in there.

AdoptaMama said...

I agree with all of the above posts. All of these changes at once are more than anyone should have to deal with. They're not just simple changes, but major ones. Maybe it's better to have these "distractions" right about now. Time will fly and soon you'll hear about your d2b and you'll be all settled with nothing to do but focus on her. Everything's still crossed for you that you hear something soon!


PS - I've figured out a way to make my blog photos larger. I reposted your favorite - Alena & Katrina's last baby house meal - just for you. Hope it makes you smile. :)

Мatt & Carla Morgan said...

change is hard.
waiting is hard.
disappointment is hard.
moving is hard.
anticipation is hard.
missing loved ones is hard.

bless your heart.

i hope you're 'back in your skin' soon, too.


Tina in CT said...

Hope you had a skype or vonnage call to some friends back here in the US to lift your spirits.

Tami said...

We are so much alike! ;>) I always feel so much better once I'm in my new place and life has settled down a little bit. You have so much going on right now it's no wonder you're feeling a little discombobulated. (I love that word! :) Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

And your friends miss YOU! We'd love to see you during the school break...
Love, Nif