attachment-keeping it small

"Keep their world small."

This is the advice, the decree given to adoptive parents. But how do you do that? And for how long? I have another month until we're both in school. I'm so grateful for as long as I've had with her, but wish it were longer. I think I could easily spend a year easing her in to life. Or longer. But I am very thankful we've been able to have our own small world for as long as we do. It is precious beyond measure.

What does it really mean to keep their world small? I think it means different things to different families. First children have a much greater opportunity to experience this "smallness" than children do who are coming in to a family that has children--and all their activities and things. It must be hard to shrink a world for a child who is getting a new sibling, and likely needs the comfort of his usual activities.

Okay. About us:

I think the time spent in Russia, as crazy as it is running around from place to place collecting pieces of stamped paper, is an easy place to build that "smallness". It was just Lexi and I. We had few responsibilities and obligations. We had few clothing choices. We had two dvd's. We had three books. We had her bear, her doll, (really wish I hadn't brought the doll), a coloring book, stacking cups, and some wooden animal beads that I'd brought on an earlier visit.

I think that it's as important to limit the number of things as it is to limit the number of people and places. As tired as I was of those clothes and those things, we didn't pitch them when we came home. We slept in those same pajamas. The same toys, books, and dvd's that we watched for two weeks on the road we all we played with and watched for about the first week home. I had taken all the toys out of her room. They're still gone, but some books have migrated there. In the living room, where her toys are, they are mostly out of sight.

Slowly, over the last month, we've explored most of the toy bins. She knows what is in them. But, generally, she doesn't need an abundance of things from which to choose. She has her favorite activities (reading books, playing with her baby, playing shopping, painting, doing puzzles) and plays them over and over. I will introduce a new game or toy or will add an accessory to her "plays" (like the bath tub or dishes for her doll), but it is often much later that she wants to do it again. (Or, she wants it every. single. day.)

We really do stick to only-one-toy most of the time. Most of the time. And, sometimes a play gets very involved and needs many accessories. No problem! But when we're done with that play, they get picked up. Every other night before bed with do a quick pick-up of the flat, one room at a time. She actually enjoys this, because she enjoys helping, and it keeps things away. If we did it every night, neither one of us would enjoy it.

In Moscow, were in an apartment roughly the size of our own. Being in an apartment was wonderful. It meant that we didn't have to go out for meals. We could go out if we needed to, but we didn't have to. We had different spaces for sleep and play.

While many families have needed to gate off sections of their house, we didn't. Our flat is not huge. She knows that we play in either her room (very rare, but I'd love for it to happen more) or the living room. We don't play in Mama's room, the kitchen or the bathroom. And that's our entire flat.

Lexi is very good at respecting boundaries, which is not always the case with pi kids. Granted, I'd made my house much like my classroom--nearly everything accessible is fair game. But, not everything. I live here, too. My desk and the bookshelves are off-limits. But, all I had to do was tell her was the desk was only for Mama. She just doesn't touch it or anything on it. I didn't even mention the bookshelves. Perhaps having her own, and the "dullness" of the books on mine, makes it less tempting.

All this is old news to most adoptive and pre-adoptive parents. Limit the people you come in contact with and allow no one else to provide (food, gifts, affection, etc.) for your child. Keep the physical space limited and sparse. Stay home as much as is humanly possible. Eat the same things, wear the same things, do same things. All of this prevents over-stimulation. It doesn't take much to rock the world of these little people.

Keeping things small keeps things safe. It's predictable. It helps a child to relax and let down their guard. Hypervigilent children in particular, those that are constantly on the lookout for what danger may possibly occur and planning how to handle it, benefit from this. And, I think all children coming out of an orphanage have some hypervigilence. They have to. It's self-preservation. Until they know that you'll keep them safe, they have to be prepared to keep themselves safe.

One thing I did instinctively as a teacher of esl students, that I haven't heard discussed elsewhere, is keep her vocabulary small. I used the exact same words over and over to describe an action. (i.e. always, "Please take this to the trash can." and not the occasional "Please throw this away." Always saying "Please take this to xxx" means that she only has one new word in the sentence to figure out. She quickly learned the sink, the trash, your room, the table, the bathroom, Mama's room...) She can follow two- and three-step directions now, which is amazing.

I didn't use synonyms. (Things were little, not small.) I didn't use contractions. As her vocabulary grows, I am incorporating these. I am still avoiding homophones as much as possible (ie, since we rock each night, there are stones and not rocks on the street).

Specific feedback is important! "Good job!" is great, but general. I realized, as I listened to Lexi play, that I often include the command after it. I must be saying, "Good job, chew and swallow!" "Good job, be careful!" "Good job, watch what you're doing!" I found myself today saying, "Good job, be careful. You were very careful while you were cutting." I think that's the transition from survival English, just being able to communicate, to speaking English. (Hmm...not really part of keeping her world small...but will leave it as I think it's interesting.)

Small world--few people, few places, few things, consistent vocabulary. Variety is not the spice of life. Or, if it is, pi kids need a very bland diet for a long time!

planning to do, in a sketchy sort of way, shorter posts on: routine and rituals, sleeping/co-sleeping, belonging together, a single mom copes, common pi issues (maybe)... any requests?