searching for kristina

Thank you all for your kind words on the last post. I didn't want to overshadow our joyful milestone with this, so I've held off on posting.

This is a post I wasn't sure I'd write. It's on the long side, even for me, so be sure you've got some time.

Lexi came home six months ago, in late September. You may remember when I made her the album of photos of her groupmates. What I didn't mention then was the joy she had over seeing her friend Kristina. She exclaimed, "This is my friend! My Kristina! How beautiful!" She was more excited about seeing Kristina's picture than she was in seeing the picture of the little boy her caretaker told us was the only person who would play with her. (That was in June. I'm guessing the girls made friends later. Or the caretaker didn't know.)

When she was playing with my hair in those early days, she would take two handfuls and make pigtails. Then she'd sigh, "Kristina" filled with homesickness for her friend. The longing, the missing, the melancholy in that one word just made me ache for her. Then her eyes would twinkle and she'd make one ponytail and pronounce me "Daniel!" Her other little friend had the rat's tail that is so popular over here. She still does this today.

I don't remember when I worked it out, because the photo of her on the database didn't look at all like the little girl I saw, but I met Kristina. She was one of the two little girls brought in to play with Lexi on my second visit. My rep took a picture of us all playing together. But, the director panicked, whisked the girls away, and had me erase it. Yes, this is the photo that I'll regret following rules about for the rest of my life. I remember her. She was soft and quiet. She was gentle. Her light brown hair was in a ponytail. She captured a bit of my heart that day--even as I tried to remind myself that it was Lexi I was there to see.

Lexi missed her friend, Kristina tremendously. She talked about her--and to her in imaginary phone calls--every day. Kristine is often along as an imaginary friend to this day.

After much thought and prayer, I decided to inquire about her availability for international adoption. I had wanted to adopt sisters, I thought d2b was plural, and this seemed like the perfect opportunity to keep children together who didn't share a biological bond, but were "sisters" in their group. My agency thought she'd be home by August.

No, I didn't post about it. This was one of those things that just needed to be mine, to be treasured up in my heart. It just wasn't for sharing.

Have you read The Waiting Child? It's the only Chinese adoption story I've read. It makes me weep. And I thought I would be able to write the Russian sequel.

I was told in December that Kristina was available for adoption and my heart soared! We began getting social workers lined up and inquiring about paperwork. Once the holidays were over and we were ready to proceed it was early February.

On that visit to the MOE my agency's representative was told that Kristina was not available for adoption.

I was devastated. I thought she was mine. I was ready. I was excited. My heart had already claimed her. She was mine. She was ours. I'm still heartsore. While I am delighted that Kristina is finding a home, I am so very disappointed it is not with us.

I have to thank my agency for doing the impossible. They were able to get information that they shouldn't have been able to get. Russian adoption is very private. Maybe it was my wild hopes that convinced our reps to pursue it or the MOE to share--I hoped that she'd been referred but not accepted. I hoped she was being adopted by a Russian family who would change their minds. I hoped that she was still mine.

My agency was told Kristina is being adopted by an American family, and that their paperwork is already in. And, I was given permission to take Lexi for a visit to say goodbye. This is amazing.

We booked our plane tickets and made arrangements with a driver. Then, we learned that the orphanage is quarantined with chickenpox. It's likely that Kristina will be gone before we can say goodbye.

Another blow. But this one was delivered so caringly by our agency rep--who e-mailed me in Russian. I was so touched by this gesture. Usually everything goes through translators and the agency. For him to e-mail me directly was another big thing. And for that, I'm very grateful.

So why am I posting this now? Truly, I'd rather not. I'd rather keep this all to myself. But, this blog has been used in amazing ways in the past. It's connected people in, frankly, miraculous ways. I'm hoping it will do that again.

I've put messages up on FRUA and adoption.com in an attempt to locate Kristina's family, but have gotten no response.

I've contacted the agencies that I know work in Moscow Region (ABC, CSS, Children's Hope International, Dove, Hand in Hand, IAG, MAPS, Nightlight, and Wide Horizons) to ask if they are representing this family. MAPS, Hand in Hand and CSS have replied, letting me know that Kristina is not going home with one of their families.

I've asked only that the agency will pass my contact details on to Kristina's new family in the hopes that they'll contact me. (If you were with one of the other agencies that hasn't responded and can tell them I'm not crazy, that might help. If you know of other agencies who work in Moscow Region that I don't have listed, please let me know.)

It is my hope that Lexi and Kristina would be able to maintain some sort of contact. Even just knowing where she was, that she was home and happy would be helpful to Lexi.

I've offered to share with the family things that I've learned about life in their orphanage that may be helpful with their initial adjustment. I wish I'd known.

My heart just breaks every time Lexi says, "Oh, hi, Kristine! We miss you." She takes pictures of me holding the imaginary Kristina. She helps her and tells her all sorts of things. She makes sure Kristina has something to eat and promised Mama will make her a pretty dress. Sunday she was taking care of her because she was sick. We both love Kristina and pray each night, thankful that Kristina has a new family. (Lexi is able to do that much more happily than I, if truth be told.)

If you know Kristina's family, would you share our story with them? If you are Kristina's new family, please will you let us know? I can verify her last name, database information, diagnoses... We won't stalk! We just would love to know where in the world Kristina is.