24 June 2008


Two nights ago, I felt compelled to get out of bed and look at the database.

I've learned my lesson the hard way about the database and I. stay. off. There was a little girl on there, F, whom I've mentioned before. She is the reason I was disappointed to be leaving St. P. She has my eyes. Have you ever looked at those children and seen yourself looking back? It's a powerful thing. She simply and immediately belonged to me. The connection, in one moment, was strong, visceral, spiritual. I wanted so much to bring this little girl home. I have been praying for her and thinking of her. I've seen her sitting on her bed in her bedroom right next to my computer and playing on my living room rug. Her picture is on my 'fridge to this day.

I was told that she has CP. I don't believe this. I simply cannot reconcile it with her photo. I know that photos can be misleading, but I think there was an error made somewhere. I've tried to find more information out about her. But, Russia protects its orphans well. It's not possible to simply make inquiries. I don't even know which children's home she's in. I have a stack of Christmas presents for her and her group that I've never been able to deliver.

When I was told that I would not be allowed to adopt from St. Petersburg, I felt as if I'd lost F. Knowing she couldn't come home, that I'd never hold her hand as we walked down the street, with her face turned up to mine and her eyes dancing as she chattered away, just broke my heart. I know that sounds ridiculous. How can you be so fully attached, feel so loving towards a child you've never met? Surely saying my heart was broken is hyperbole. I can only tell you that God put this child in my heart-and told me to pray. And in prayer she became a little bit mine. I grieved for a long time over her.

When I was urged from my bed two nights ago to go to the database, I thought there must be a little girl in my new region who needed prayer. I trepidatiously put in the age criteria and scrolled through the little faces. While some are dear and they are certainly in need, none of them called out to me the way F had.

After I'd seen all the four-, five- and six-year-olds in that region I decided to click over to see F. She wasn't there. I broadened the criteria and looked through all the five-year-old girls in St. P. She really wasn't there.

My heart leapt! While I know there can be many reasons she's off the database, I choose to believe that someone else looked into her eyes and saw themselves. They smiled at her crooked pigtails. They saw both the uncertainty and the courage in her smile. And they took her home.

My prayer for this little sparrow is that God keeps His eye on her and His arms around her. I pray that she is loved and cherished. I pray that one day in Heaven I will throw my arms around her and cover her with kisses and she will know that I've prayed for her without ceasing.

Believing that F has found a family frees me, in a way, to go and find d2b. Moving to a new flat and away from the bedroom I thought was hers lets me leave her there, contentedly playing with her doll. I don't have to replace her, to put someone else in her picture.

Maybe it's really time.


Maggie said...

Beautiful post, Kate. I so know what you mean. I still think about all the kids that called to me are are still photolisted or back on the photolistings. When they're off the listings, you can think about them but be hopeful about where they're at. Otherwise, it's just worrisome and yes, heartbreaking, because there isn't anything you can do.

I hope F is in a permanent, secure, and happy home and is receiving all the love you would have given her.

Anonymous said...

Kate...tears friend big ole tears....rolling down my face...what a beautiful tribute to a child who you will never know...your right it is time...

Heidi said...

I have "my children" that I pray for, some of which I haven't met either, not even seen their picture.
I will always hold dear & pray for:
~ The daughter I didn't get, because our file wasn't "paper clipped" to hers in time.
~ All the kids that ran up to us that 1st visit.
~ The two sisters that we waited so long for and couldn't get.

In the end, I know that what happened was meant to happen as it did. It just doesn't make it any easier knowing that so many need so much love.
I will send prayers out to "your kids" too.

votemom said...

i believe God brings people into our lives in a purposeful way. He's not an accidental or coincidental God. and i know you know that.

there is probably
on the planet who
precious child.

but you do. and that's not accidental.

she's His little sparrow, and she's yours too.

i know, becuz i have a little sparrow of my own.

and i believe - with every thread of my being, that we WILL meet our little sparrows one day.

becuz there are just no coincidences.


Rachael said...

I hope she's happy wherever she is.

Very powerful, yet sweet post.

Melissa said...

I am kind of lucky because I didn't hear about the photolistings until after we got our call. Otherwise I would be in the same boat. I have heard since that many people get crushed over looking at those photos. I think this will put some closure in it for you. I hope she really was adopted.

kim said...

I am speechless. That was a beautiful post.

Laura said...

I have also looked at that database a billion times and certain photos have struck my heart. I've always hoped they were gone the next time I would check. I haven't checked in a year now.
I know your little one is out there, you will find her soon.

Jenni said...

What a beautiful post. I hope F has found happiness with a family that sees all in her you did.

I'm also glad this has given you some closure and helped you feel better about the new path you are taking.

A Room to Grow said...

Yes, that database definitely plays with your head. I hope F is doing well, and hoping that this is another sign that your d2b is getting that much closer to you.

Deb said...

I completely understand what you mean about losing her when you didn't even know her (in person).
When we left the Russia program it took me quite some time to grieve the loss of our Russian son. When we moved in January I packed almost all our Russia stuff up for a later day. But I did leave the bear I made for him up in Isabel's room as a reminder of where a part of our heart is.

I also had a little guy on the database. I haven't looked at his picture in almost a year but I can still see his eyes.

I'm glad F has found a family. Glad you'll be able to continue praying for her as you wait for your d2b.

Tina in CT said...

We all can hope that she is now part of a loving family.

Annie said...

God works in such mysterious ways. I am sure your prayers for her were answered. That database makes a crazy person out of me, too. But strangely, I only was shown Sergei's photo after he was my own dear boy, and I had no attraction to his photo AT ALL! It expressed none of his charm, or intelligence or sweetness. Sadly never saw Zhen's, but Anastasia's was also very unlike her. Ilya's was a photo of him in agony...as though it was posted specifically to prevent someone from adopting him. Never before or since have I seen such a dreadful photo on the database - and all of Nastya's older brothers had these dreadful pictures. I will never understand it.

redmaryjanes said...

Oh Kate, you very well can love a child you have never met...even one you have never seen.
You can pray for her as a mother prays for a child. Prayer is very powerful.
I love your heart...follow it.

Suz said...

I can absolutely, positively relate to the feelings you have been experiencing Kate!

I'll continue to pray for F as I know all my bloggy friends continue to pray for V!