16 January 2009

growl

(I know this blog has turned a little weepy of late. But, I'm a little weepy of late. I'm sure it's temporary. But, consider yourselves duly warned.)

Wow, am I in a foul mood. And, this is after a great week back at school. All of my six-year-olds (nice kiddos, but they're all in first grade in their new schools) have left. I added a lovely new girl from the US. Suddenly my class feels like second grade. Everyone is quietly busy and happy. Everyone is working independently. Everyone is speaking and reading and writing in English. I had a lovely week. Monday was so quietly productive that I attributed it to jet lag. But it lasted all week! Fantastic!

But somehow not knowing about that show (glad to hear I didn't miss much, Jessica) really set me off. It just made me want to be home--amongst all that is familiar. I want to know what's playing. I want theatre. I want my theatre friends and busy, simple life. It made me want the anticipation of auditions the joys and devastation of casting, the chance to be someone else, the magic and the immersion of theatre and the friends that shared it. It conjured up a whole life I left behind--and a place that I want to return to someday. It socked me in the gut. It made me wonder (along with recent caseworker unpleasantness and then silence and requests for my million and fourth hs--this time by the city here) if I heard wrong. If I was called to pursue adoption and not actually adopt. Maybe the pursuit was the end unto itself. Pursuing adoption allowed me to meet people,both irl and virtually, and do things I wouldn't otherwise. Pursuing adoption placed me differently...maybe I've done all that I was meant to do.

I have been able to see myself--clearly see, like a vision almost--in certain situations: married to specific men, with F playing on her bed...and those situations did not happen. I was so convinced, because I could SEE them, that they must be a glimpse into THE PLAN. They weren't. And because I believed them, I think I was more hurt when they didn't happen. I thought I had reassurances that things were going to happen "x" way. And they didn't. Repeatedly.

And, I have NOT been able to see myself in situations that did come to pass. I wondered, because I couldn't SEE myself living a life after high school (warning: dramatic teenager thought process revelation), if I was actually going to live past graduation. I had some dreams and aspirations. I knew what I wanted. But I couldn't SEE it. And, umm...I have lived quite a while since high school. Quite a LONG while. So even though I couldn't SEE it, it happened.

Right now (and this post has wandered off course from where I thought it was headed) I can't see an end to this. I can't see d2b home. I can't see anything in the future. I can't see where I'll be living or what I'll be doing or who will be beside me. Which I guess, in a perverse sort of way is a good thing.

I've spent most of my 30's waiting. I went to drama school and then I waited for acting jobs. (I got them, but there is a LOT of waiting between them.) I waited to get married. (Yeah--nothing there yet.) I started feeling tugged to adoption--like the Pevensies and Eustace are tugged into the picture of the Dawn Treader--and so I waited to be out of debt and job-secure to start. I started adopting and I waited. I waited for paperwork. I waited for my agency. I waited for accreditation. I was told I was registered and waiting. I was told I was not registered. I'm still waiting. I'm SICK of waiting! How is it possible to spend a decade WAITING??

Right now, at the moment I'm writing this, I just want to stop waiting and go home. But I don't know where that is. I came to the conclusion a while back that for me home is not a place. Home is people. But I don't have my people yet. I don't know where they are. So I don't know how to go home. Friends, good, good, GOOD friends are scattered all across the country. I would love to be near all of them, to live right in the middle of a happly little version of Wisteria Lane with my friends all in surrounding houses. But that's not possible. And, while they are my modern singleton family, and they are both loved and loving, they aren't quite home.

Going back doesn't seem like an option. Where would "back" be? The lives that I had and loved that were great in my 20's (teaching and acting and dancing and directing and dreaming...with lots of good friends and a good church and lots of travel...) and my early 30's (acting and working at the museum really were fantasticly fulfilling in both an artistic and an I DID IT way) are like the clothes that I wore then. I still have some of them. CUTE, trendy little clothes. I love them. The colors are great, the styles are fun...but they don't fit anymore. They're too small. I can't wear them now.

And, quite frankly, with the incoming administration I'm not sure I'll recognize my country when I do come back. I fear it will be much like living in England or Russia. One thing I've learned, I'm not a socialist. Those countries are nice to visit, but they aren't my home.

So if I don't have old lives to go home to and I don't have my people, what do I do?

I'm weary. I can't see what's next. I can't see where or who home is.

So. I guess I wait. I wait for my paperwork to arrive from Moscow. I wait to schedule an appointment. I wait for the million and fourth hs. I wait for registration and internal investigations to clear and for common sense to appear to the nonsensical. I wait for d2b to come home.

I just don't like it very much.

15 comments:

Tina in CT said...

How about where your parents/sibblings are? Is that an area (s) you'd like to settle down in?

I can imagine that all this waiting for D2B does take it toll and you've been quite upbeat. It's only natural to have down moments too.

Lea said...

Oh Kate, my heart goes out to you. Maybe you are just where God wants you to be, given up on all of the things that you saw for yourself and waiting for whatever wonderful things He has for you. I spent a good many years waiting too so I know a bit of what you are saying. I will say a prayer of peace, direction, blessings and patience for you.

Lauri said...

Hugs


I have so much else I want to say, advice to offer, quotes to rattle off. But this waiting stinks, no nice way around that.

I am so sorry... I hope your funk lifts and your faith is renewed, even when the path is unclear.

Katie said...

I wish I could think of something to say for you...I don't know the answer but I do know Who does...

If I could help at all I will. Want to come back to the frigid south?

kim said...

Great post. I am sorry things are so "sucky" right now. I wish it could be different for you. No platitudes to offer... just hugs. The entire process stinks!

Jojo, Julz, Jules said...

Here is where I can actually say I have been there...I waited on my ex-husband for many years, and never really saw us growing old together, I waited every month to get pregnant, and I never really pictured myself with a baby bump.
I waited for many things, and slowly I was led completely away from what I did picture..
I feel ya. Right now, I feel somewhat lost too. WOndering whether of not to take chances with my girls, or play it safe..Wondering if I wax sentimental about Russia only because while I was there I had "Adoption Goggles" on...
I have to think home is where your life is...Home is where your heart is, home is where your job is...Home is where your friends are...Keep your chin up. It will happen. All of it. Somehow you will figure out where to be next. Where to plant your flag!!!

Lisa said...

Kate, you're the only person I know who has waited as long as me. Or at least almost as long, I think. 2 1/2 years in the foster/adopt program and then 2y 4m in IA.

You're right. It stinks, it's frustrating and hard to endure. I hope the end to your wait comes soon.

Andrea said...

. . . my answer to everything is "come to Canada!" but it seems to so rarely be the answer people want to hear, so I won't make it :P

The tugging, though-- that's how it happens to me. It's like God has a hook in my gut and He pulls me forward and it's not like a want or a yearning, it's so much more powerful than that. It's impossible to ignore. I don't know what's down that road, I don't know what obstacles will be thrown up along the way, but if He's the one pulling me down it, then so be it. I know the journey will be worth it in the long run, even if I can't see past the next corner.

Waiting sucks. Not knowing sucks. Not seeing around the next corner is every kind of terrible (especially if you are a Planner, like me) but somehow, sometimes, that's just where we find ourselves stuck-- with blind spots all around.

So . . . hang on to that tugging. That's the only suggestion I can give. It might be a crap suggestion, and hey, feel free to tell me if it is :P I just know that, if it's anything like my own experiences, as long as that hook still sinks in now and then, pulling you forward . . . then home is DOWN there, somewhere. It probably won't look like what you thought it would (God knows mine sure doesn't. I love it well enough but it is not the picture I had in my head even one year ago) but it's the one He's building for you, Kate. You, and whatever children are in your future.

It's just a matter of learning to live with all those damn corners that keep getting in the way :P

Maggie said...

You know, I'd like to say "chin up" and "hang in there" and all those other platitudes, but what I'm going to say instead is "nice to see you."

You have reason to be annoyed and pissed and sad. You have reason to not like all this waiting. And this post is real. I feel like a met you a little more in this post.

As you already know, there are major, major downs in the adoption process. Every time I thought I hit rock bottom I found a way to scramble back up again. You will too.

Anonymous said...

Kate,
I say you move to the east coast near Julianne and I. We will keep you busy with lots to do. If you decide to stay and Julianne comes over to work.......I'm so coming to visit. Keep your chin up girl. We are all praying for you!
Melissa

votemom said...

thanks for trusting us with this.

Dawn said...

I hear you. No answers, just empathy from someone who is in the hard process of change on a million different levels :).

Jenni said...

I understand a little of what you're feeling Kate, and it is a crappy place to be. The adoption process is not easy - there's no doubt about it. And having to rely on others to do things for you just plain sucks sometimes. If it helps at all, I also questioned our decision to adopt while we were in process and had difficulty seeing myself actually having kids. There were just too many disappointments bogging me down. But things have a funny way of working out. It reminds me of that scene from "Shakespeare in Love" -

Henslowe: Mr. Fennyman, allow me to explain about the theatre business. The natural condition is one of insurmountable obstacles on the road to imminent disaster.
Fennyman: So what do we do?
Henslowe: Nothing. Strangely enough, it all turns out well.
Fennyman: How?
Henslowe: I don't know. It's a mystery.

I hope that light at the end of the tunnel comes into view soon.

Tami said...

Unfortunately, I have no great words of wisdom, but I do have a great respect for all you have and continue to go through in your search for d2b. Please take great comfort in the fact that God can and will use you no matter where you are. Your girl(s) someday will be yours because they are meant to be yours. It will happen, Kate. Just hang in there, as long as it takes, to bring those little ones home.

Elizabeth said...

Hi Kate. I can identify with a lot of what you wrote, although I'm still in my 20's. As a single missionary in Russia, I'm wondering what's next. I'm not even sure I'll be given another visa. It's like the adoption papers with the waiting and wondering what the problem is. Anyway, you're an example to me and I'm sure to others. Be encouraged!