real

It's really going to happen.

Yesterday, I just felt so much lighter. I know much of that was my sw visit. I had been concerned about to going to court and swearing I lived where I didn't live...and getting caught in a lie...and having the judge deny my adoption...

With my rock star visit yesterday, all of that concern just vanished! (Agency has yet to acknowledge this good news, I suspect, because their mouths are full of crow.)

The other thing that makes this real, more real than the toys and dresses and things that have been accumulating for years now, arrived yesterday.

I remember shopping for a wedding dress with my friend Lara. She tried on beautiful dresses, including the dress that was just perfect for her. And she was fine--happy, but in a sort of impersonal way. Then they put a veil on her and happy tears came flooding out. The veil made it real.

Here's what's made things real:

I've had the privilege of buying dolls, first dolls, even, for my friends' children and my niece. I've been looking forward to doing the same for my daughter. But I refused to buy d2b's doll until I knew she was coming home. I wanted it to look like her. So I waited. Yesterday, her doll arrived! I even had time to place it in the cradle before the sw came.

Now, every time I pass by Sasha's door and see her doll sleeping in the cradle, I smile. It's real.

Yes, that's her sweet, dainty room--without being pink. Oh--the doll's blanket is pink (not unpacked in this photo) and there's a pink pillow on the green couch. I still need to sew that slipcover. Photographs don't do justice to this room. I love the arch in here! It keeps it feeling cozy. On either side of the arch, the ceiling soar. There are floaty, white cotton curtains on the window at the foot of the bed. The sill is more than wide enough to curl up on and watch the happenings in the courtyard. That's my beloved bed in there--one I shopped ages to find. It came with me from the US. But, I thought that when we do move from Russia, it might be comforting for Sasha to have the same bed in our new house, so I've given it to her. It's oak with a spoon-carved daisy. On the wall across from the dresser, where you can see them while you're lying in bed, are three large photos of the two of us from trip one. The six little pictures are Monet prints from a calendar and bits of pretty wrapping paper. Next to the dresser is a large, oak-colored wardrobe. Above the little couch is the big Noah's ark print that I love. This room could use some wall stickers, couldn't it? I wish I were able to paint.

I am trying to decide if Sasha's doll will come with up on our pick-up trip. If the orphanage will let Sasha bring her elephant with her, then I think the doll should wait at home. The elephant will be familiar (I hope) and smell like the orphanage. (Sasha's Elephant could be the sequel to Mishka: An Adoption Tale.) But, if the orphanage keeps the elephant, then I'd love to have her doll for the time in Moscow...and on the plane rides. Right now, I'm contemplating sacrificing valuable suitcase space for the doll and just keeping her hidden if the elephant makes it out of the orphanage. What fun things to ponder!