gourmet

A few nights ago I was asking Lex what she wanted for dinner. She'd had a late snack and was not interested in the leftovers in the 'fridge. I was not interested in cooking. So I went to the failsafe...

"Kasha? And yogurt?"

"Yes! Kasha. Kasha apple."

And she began rooting around in the different oatmeal boxes. Since I happen to like the apple kasha, it's gone. I was explaining that we didn't have any, but we had a million others when she pulled out a box of cereal. (Fitness. Do you have it in the US? It's just flakes, but they're a *little* sweetened.)

Explaining that although it looked like the apple kasha box, it wasn't, I pulled out a piece of cereal and gave it to her.

Her face lit up. "Chips!" she said rapturously. (Mama has said repeatedly that we don't need chips when shopping. Now Lexi understands why. We have chips!)

So Lexi had chips for dinner. And apple slices.

She pronounced this dinner, "Koosna, Mama!" unasked and all my pride in recent, colorful, well-balanced meals flew out the window. Forget the chicken chili with tomatoes and corn muffins we had last night. (And forget how precious the corn muffins are since you can't buy cornmeal or muffin liners here.) Just give her dry cereal.

(Actually, don't forget it. Just leave the tomatoes off it and save it for me!)

attachment-routine

(This post is boring me, but I've already typed it. If you just read the first few paragraphs and skip our routine, I won't hold it against you.)

Routine

This is one that is oft-touted, and very important, for the same reason that a small world is. Routine makes life predictable and safe. It relieves some of the hypervigilence. If you know what is coming next, you don't have to worry. And you don't have to have as many contingency plans.

Children living in an orphanage have a fairly rigid routine. They're not often given choices. So, by keeping a routine in place for a child newly home, you're providing comfort, familiarity and relieving stress. All good.

I'm a planner. (Big surprise.) And in this case, I'm so glad I'd thought about routine before I had Lexi with me. Because, on that first night, when you've got this little person looking up at you, you're not going to have time to stop and plan things out. And the orphanage schedule, while it *may* prove helpful for mealtimes and sleeptimes in the beginning, is not going to help you figure out what you do at bedtime. Do you bathe at night? Do you brush your teeth before or after your bath? Do you read stories/sing songs/whatever? Where? What about morning? Do you get dressed and make your bed before breakfast? After? At all? (kidding)

Some routines and rituals get set without you even knowing it-so be careful. ;> We brushed teeth together that first night, eye to eye, Lexi mimicking my body language. Since then, she feels incredibly shut out if I don't brush teeth with her (If, say I was planning to eat the last brownie after she's asleep and so I told her I'll wait and brush later. Hypothetically.). And she still does it with a hand on her hip.

We had to change some things. We started out bathing at night and found that was too overstimulating. We didn't have a rocking chair until we got home and so we rocked on the bed. Changing these things (and changing bathtime back to evening in preparation for school) was HARD.

While I'm not good at doing everything the same, even in my classroom, we do have a structure to our days. It's just a flexible structure.

Stay in *a* bed (sleep post coming, too) until 7:00.

We get up and eat in our pajamas.

We clear the table, tidy up the kitchen and put away clean dishes (she does all the lower cabinets and silverware).

Then she gets dressed (after I explain again that now we take a bath at night). I take a shower while she watches Kipper. Or, I explain again that now we take a bath at night, she watches Kipper and gets dressed after I shower. It depends on how much I want a shower and how much she wants clothes.

Then, whatever. We play.

Lunch is at 11:45 ish (the time they eat at school). We clear the table together. Depending on how long lunch takes, we either play a bit or go right to rest/nap.

12:45/1:00-2:00 Ask Lexi if she want to rest or sleep. Have rest time.

Whatever. Usually something big and messy and fun after rest, because I'm rested, too. This is when we do school things some days. Sometimes this is when we go for a walk. The weather is generally better in the morning, and she's a morning bug, but somehow we don't get out then (except for Thursdays when the cleaner comes and we have to be out). I think it's because I'd have to blow-dry my hair.

5:45ish dinner I've played with this time a little and can't quite get it right.

We clean up the dinner mess and she plays for a bit.

6:45 on shampoo nights, by 7:00 if it's not, we start getting ready for bed. There are routines within our daily routine, and this may be as good a place as any to explain...

• She chooses pajamas, underwear and socks if she wants them while I run the bath.
• Bath with bubbles--play with cups, pretend to make food, swim, say, "You're my little fish!", count down the fish times, *or* "No fish today. Tomorrow you can be a fish." before she gets in the bath (She can be a fish on shampoo nights. That's every other night--with its own script about chin up and the shampoo being American and won't hurt her eyes, etc.)
  
• Lotion--lavender at night, aveeno in the morning warmed in my hands. The first lotion dollop is my handprint on her tummy, name body parts as you lotion, "discover" all the food from the day in her tummy.
• Get dressed in underwear, pajamas, debate socks (since her toes are polished) with herself.
  
• (Bottle here if she wants one. Regression post coming!)
• Brush teeth--I do hers first and then we brush together. We fluoride rinse- me holding her, humming a song to time it.
• (Blow dry goes here if it's a shampoo night--her on my lap)
• Lexi chooses books.
• Melatonin, books, lights out, review the day, plan tomorrow, pray, sing one song, say goodnight to everything, sing some more

Actually, our singing and good-nighting depends on her. If she starts processing, I process with her. If she needs to talk, we say "good night" to everyone and everything in the world, if she asks or if she's contented and quiet, I sing.

She's usually asleep around 8:00. Usually.

That's kind of what we do. It's working for us.

I'll post about rituals next as this is long...and they're a little different from routines in my mind.

lera update

Amazing. Just amazing.

My friend sent an e-mail that said...

the director told me they think they have a family who is ready to commit to adopt lera. that's all it takes to keep her out of the institution!

Thank you for your prayers for Lera!

Reece's Rainbow says:
Lera is a gorgeous little girl with blonde hair and blue eyes. She is 4 years old. She is quite high functioning, and doing very well. She has flat feet and a systolic heart murmur, but no major heart conditions. She is able to walk and climb, she eats by herself, dances, and understands and follows directions. She has also been transferred to the regular class, so she living and learning with her typical peers.



Now, amazing prayer warriors, I've got sisters ages 11 and 13 who really need a home. They're part of my 3.10 girls...

praying for lera

For the past year, a good friend of mine has been praying for a little girl in Russia. She was assigned to be her "prayer warrior" through the wonderful ministry, Reece's Rainbow, which specializes in placing children with Down Syndrome from various countries.

She was thrilled when she received Lera as her little girl to pray for, as Lera is Russian, and was born the very week that her girls were born.

In Russia, if a Down Syndrome child is not adopted by the age of 4, they go into an institution and can never be adopted.

Since Lera turned 4 in August, my friend was afraid bad news was coming. Sure enough, yesterday afternoon, she received the email below. Would you please stop, today, (which, ironically is Orphan Sunday), and pray specifically that God would work a miracle and prompt a family to start the process to adopt little lera?

Dear S,

I know you are the Reece's Rainbow prayer warrior for Lera in Russia. We just received word that Lera will be transferred to an institution in the next few days or weeks at most. She will not be able to be adopted (ever) once transferred as Russia's institutions are closed. If a family comes forward in the next few days and commits to her then she won't be transferred. I am letting you know so that you can send up some urgent prayers for her. She is a beautiful little girl and is located in St. Petersburg.

attachment-keeping it small

"Keep their world small."

This is the advice, the decree given to adoptive parents. But how do you do that? And for how long? I have another month until we're both in school. I'm so grateful for as long as I've had with her, but wish it were longer. I think I could easily spend a year easing her in to life. Or longer. But I am very thankful we've been able to have our own small world for as long as we do. It is precious beyond measure.

What does it really mean to keep their world small? I think it means different things to different families. First children have a much greater opportunity to experience this "smallness" than children do who are coming in to a family that has children--and all their activities and things. It must be hard to shrink a world for a child who is getting a new sibling, and likely needs the comfort of his usual activities.

Okay. About us:

I think the time spent in Russia, as crazy as it is running around from place to place collecting pieces of stamped paper, is an easy place to build that "smallness". It was just Lexi and I. We had few responsibilities and obligations. We had few clothing choices. We had two dvd's. We had three books. We had her bear, her doll, (really wish I hadn't brought the doll), a coloring book, stacking cups, and some wooden animal beads that I'd brought on an earlier visit.

I think that it's as important to limit the number of things as it is to limit the number of people and places. As tired as I was of those clothes and those things, we didn't pitch them when we came home. We slept in those same pajamas. The same toys, books, and dvd's that we watched for two weeks on the road we all we played with and watched for about the first week home. I had taken all the toys out of her room. They're still gone, but some books have migrated there. In the living room, where her toys are, they are mostly out of sight.

Slowly, over the last month, we've explored most of the toy bins. She knows what is in them. But, generally, she doesn't need an abundance of things from which to choose. She has her favorite activities (reading books, playing with her baby, playing shopping, painting, doing puzzles) and plays them over and over. I will introduce a new game or toy or will add an accessory to her "plays" (like the bath tub or dishes for her doll), but it is often much later that she wants to do it again. (Or, she wants it every. single. day.)

We really do stick to only-one-toy most of the time. Most of the time. And, sometimes a play gets very involved and needs many accessories. No problem! But when we're done with that play, they get picked up. Every other night before bed with do a quick pick-up of the flat, one room at a time. She actually enjoys this, because she enjoys helping, and it keeps things away. If we did it every night, neither one of us would enjoy it.

In Moscow, were in an apartment roughly the size of our own. Being in an apartment was wonderful. It meant that we didn't have to go out for meals. We could go out if we needed to, but we didn't have to. We had different spaces for sleep and play.

While many families have needed to gate off sections of their house, we didn't. Our flat is not huge. She knows that we play in either her room (very rare, but I'd love for it to happen more) or the living room. We don't play in Mama's room, the kitchen or the bathroom. And that's our entire flat.

Lexi is very good at respecting boundaries, which is not always the case with pi kids. Granted, I'd made my house much like my classroom--nearly everything accessible is fair game. But, not everything. I live here, too. My desk and the bookshelves are off-limits. But, all I had to do was tell her was the desk was only for Mama. She just doesn't touch it or anything on it. I didn't even mention the bookshelves. Perhaps having her own, and the "dullness" of the books on mine, makes it less tempting.

All this is old news to most adoptive and pre-adoptive parents. Limit the people you come in contact with and allow no one else to provide (food, gifts, affection, etc.) for your child. Keep the physical space limited and sparse. Stay home as much as is humanly possible. Eat the same things, wear the same things, do same things. All of this prevents over-stimulation. It doesn't take much to rock the world of these little people.

Keeping things small keeps things safe. It's predictable. It helps a child to relax and let down their guard. Hypervigilent children in particular, those that are constantly on the lookout for what danger may possibly occur and planning how to handle it, benefit from this. And, I think all children coming out of an orphanage have some hypervigilence. They have to. It's self-preservation. Until they know that you'll keep them safe, they have to be prepared to keep themselves safe.

One thing I did instinctively as a teacher of esl students, that I haven't heard discussed elsewhere, is keep her vocabulary small. I used the exact same words over and over to describe an action. (i.e. always, "Please take this to the trash can." and not the occasional "Please throw this away." Always saying "Please take this to xxx" means that she only has one new word in the sentence to figure out. She quickly learned the sink, the trash, your room, the table, the bathroom, Mama's room...) She can follow two- and three-step directions now, which is amazing.

I didn't use synonyms. (Things were little, not small.) I didn't use contractions. As her vocabulary grows, I am incorporating these. I am still avoiding homophones as much as possible (ie, since we rock each night, there are stones and not rocks on the street).

Specific feedback is important! "Good job!" is great, but general. I realized, as I listened to Lexi play, that I often include the command after it. I must be saying, "Good job, chew and swallow!" "Good job, be careful!" "Good job, watch what you're doing!" I found myself today saying, "Good job, be careful. You were very careful while you were cutting." I think that's the transition from survival English, just being able to communicate, to speaking English. (Hmm...not really part of keeping her world small...but will leave it as I think it's interesting.)

Small world--few people, few places, few things, consistent vocabulary. Variety is not the spice of life. Or, if it is, pi kids need a very bland diet for a long time!

planning to do, in a sketchy sort of way, shorter posts on: routine and rituals, sleeping/co-sleeping, belonging together, a single mom copes, common pi issues (maybe)... any requests?

Orphan Sunday

http://www.orphansunday.org/concert

"On November 8th from 4:oo to 6:00 pm CST, join voices with Steven Curtis Chapman, Jim Daly, and Dennis Rainey to reach the nation with God’s call to care for orphans. Through excellent music and the sharing of the heart of God, we hope to give a megaphone to the cries of the millions of orphans around the world. Other guests include Geoff Moore and the Children of the World Choir.

The concert will be broadcast LIVE via webcast and satellite. Locations with high speed internet access will be able to view the concert remotely via the web."

spot the reason

Why is this photo blogworthy?



Look closer. But not at the cluttered counter or the pile of orphanage donations in the window, please. Look at the table.

It's not that kookla got sick and needed a hot water bottle. It's not that Mouse forgot to clear her plate. It's not the cute penguin slippers that don't stay on under the table. It's this:


Lexi decided to not finish her muffin at breakfast but to save it for later!

Mama is now keeping a see-through container at every meal so we can put in what we want to save for later. If it doesn't need to be refrigerated, it stays at Lexi's place. If it does, she will put it in the 'fridge.

We had a great day!

attachment preamble

I am not an attachment expert.

I've read a lot of experts and talked to many in-the-trenches experts. I guess now it's my turn to share my view from the trenches.

I've tried to write this post several times, but it's just too big. So, dear viewers (as one of my second grade bloggers was wont to say), there's a whole lot of attachment and coping stuff coming. A whole series, I think. Which seems presumptuous. I mean, who am I to be writing a post on this, much less "a series"? (Although you already know I'm wordy, so the fact that it takes more than one post to manage this shouldn't be too shocking--unless you've only been reading since Lexi came home. Many of those posts have been...brief.) But many people have asked--especially those waiting for an "older" child.

So...here goes. There is a lot that is out of one's control as far as attachment goes. But here's what I've done, single mom adopting this particular six-year-old, that, hopefully, has helped.

It's been six weeks and things are going remarkably well. Really, it's amazing. Ann Marie is going to chime in on the comments and straighten this quote out. Basically, she was seeing signs of attachment in Lexi and I (attachment is a two-way street) after two weeks that she wasn't seeing in Alexander for months. (I'll fix that when you tell me what it really way, AM. I was too tired to remember. Hey--you can even have a guest post!)

I prayed for three-and-a-half years that my children's hearts would be prepared for me and my heart for them. And that's the biggest thing AM saw when we were in the US. Her quote, "Kate, she was just ready." And for that I am so grateful!

So, now that the preamble, disclaimers and celebrity endorsements are out of the way, here's my first gem:

If you can tell that it's going to be a hard day, and I can tell, because the state of the day depends mostly upon me and how tired I am, then put your child in your favorite outfit. It's much easier to attach to a clean, sweet-smelling, darling child.

Okay, none of the experts told me that. But I think it's true. It may not be as conventional as the other things I did, but I am sharing this with you first, so that you can skip the rest of the attachment stuff if you're sick of reading about it.

discrepancy

time* from books to bed

Monday: 12 minutes (wow)
Tuesday: 1 hour 15 minutes**

*this time includes prayers, good nights, and lullabyes/rocking

**on Tuesday, it also included a bottle--those 15 minutes may be subtracted from the total time listed as the bottle, if needed, usually precedes books

joyful jumping

This is from about a week and a half ago...I think. The date stamp is when I uploaded it and not when it was taken. Helpful. Just love the video camera.

(so not.)

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

a (good) day in the life

6:35 (This is late and may very well be a contributing factor to our good day.) Lexi needs to use the bathroom. She has to stay in *a* bed until 7:00 and takes the option of moving from Mama's bed to her bed for the remaining half hour. (This may also have been a contributing factor to the good day.)

7:10 Mama, having dozed until now, tells Lexi, "Good morning! It's seven." All excited, Lexi scrambles up, climbs into Mama's arms chirping, "It's seven!! Good MORNing!" in both Russian and English. We go to Mama's room to verify that the first number on the clock is, indeed, a seven.

Lexi heads out to play. Mama makes breakfast, of a sort--instant oatmeal, toast (me) and yogurt (Lex). Juice and vitamins for all.

Lexi forgets that we now take a bath at night and wants one in the morning. Instead, she chooses her clothes (we're staying home today), washes hands and face, and we brush teeth together.

Mama and Lexi head out for Kipper--Mama's answer to a solo shower. But, Mama feels lazy and doesn't want to shower. She e-mails and futzes on the computer, simultaneously commenting on the essential parts of Kipper. Then, with two stories left, Mama kisses Lexi and promises a quick shower.

We put clean sheets on both beds (L@ur@ Ashely fairies on Lexi's, my favorite grey ones on mine), put away my laundry (we did hers last night), gave Beazy a bath (she was not thrilled, but Lex was quietly cooing our standard encouragements to her, and she coped well) played airplane (We sit on the couch and play whatever she's packed in her little pink backpack. There is much pretend seat buckling and tray opening and closing.), watched a few minutes of a Sesame Street shape dvd but it wasn't for us, fingerpainted (a first), washed placemats, played in the water, mopped up all the water that spilled when Lex tried to dump the basin herself, and had lunch around noon (leftover mac & veg& cheese--and yes, she had to eat the broccoli and carrots, which she has decided she doesn't like. She still loves zucchini.)

We loaded lunch dishes and started the dishwasher.

12:45 quiet time (Lexi gets to choose to sleep or rest. This is a great illustration of predestination and free will. ;> ) I watch iTunes tv. ;> I even read a few pages and doze for a few minutes.

2:00 Lexi is sprung! I try to explain that it is two and not seven, that it's not morning. I'll do it again tomorrow.

Declines a snack.

Started working on writing numbers, played with wooden mosaic tiles, put flowered vinyl tablecloth on her window (that sounds horrible but it isn't that bad), and another on her wall (because I'm so sad I'm not allowed to paint), took the one on her wall off the wall because it wouldn't stay without nails and I'm not ready to commit, replaced framed photos on her wall with paper copies (since she keeps taking and knocking the frames down), watched Josh and the Big Wall for the second time (Neechevo rookye! Neechevo feet! Tolka tomato. Nada jump, jump, jump! She thinks Larry is a zucchini and the squashes are pears. Close enough. She has no idea about the asparagus family.) and painted her toenails (I think her feet are overly sensitive because they're never exposed--and that pretty toenails *might* encourage more exposure.), jumped on the mini tramp ($92--but the only one I found and already proving a good outlet for St. P's inclement weather), colored--GREAT coloring advances today-- and did a sticker book, put on our cloud and rain and watched "A Flower Grows", watched her singing Feed the Birds. Lexi was inspired to rock her doll while I make dinner--Lexi's requested meal of "meekaballs". (Didn't really cook anything today and only did one load of laundry. Also contributing factors to the good day, I suspect.)

Her doll joined us for dinner. This is always a treat because I get to hear myself, my words, in Lexi's voice. And I like what I heard. That is extremely gratifying! It makes me feel relieved. I loved hearing her prompt her doll to say, "Yes, please, Mama." She gently stroked her cheek as she murmured endearments and good job's. And she laughed when the doll's head got covered in tomato goo. ;>

After dinner, we had a bath (this is only day three of evening bath...but we're doing okay), lotioned, pajama-ed, brushed teeth, read stories, had a bottle (at her request) and rocked, and went to the bathroom again. We sat on the bed, me cradling her, in the dark and reviewed our day. We talked about what we will/might do tomorrow. We prayed. Lexi decided to plan tomorrow in greater detail--TRAIN, puzzle, number 1-2-3, paint, airplane, Kipper, shop (in Russian), book.

It was a quick night--Feed the Birds, saying good night to everyone and everything, and then she wanted to go to bed. Sometimes we rock to sleep, sometimes she wants to be put down sleepy. When I put her down, I can immediately tell if she's ready to sleep or stalling. Ready to sleep--stays curled up on her side. Not--flips to her back. When I put her down, she stayed on her side so I sang two more songs and rubbed her back, limbs, and head before leaving.

Tonight it was 7:50 when I left. When I went back at 8:00, she was asleep, exactly in the position I'd left her.

It was a good day in the life. Six weeks tomorrow...and I think we're both feeling settled.

where?

Yesterday I called, "Lex, it's Bert and Ernie!" to my little butterfly-dancer


(We had to trade the blue wings for smaller, pink ones but the tantsivaya skirt is still going strong. We had 3 1/2 days in these.)

who was getting something from her room.

She shouted, "Where?! WHERE?!??" and came running.

Um, on the television.

(Seriously, where did she think they'd be?)

feeding the birds

Here's a minute or two of sweetness from last week. Please excuse the drier noise.

This is the end of The Going to Bed Book, asking her baby to choose a lullaby, and part of Feed the Birds. (I promise it gets intelligible. Just give it a verse.)

*video removed*

Early each day to the steps of Saint Paul's
The tired old bird woman comes
In her own special way to the people she calls,
"Come, buy my bags full of crumbs;

Come feed the little ones,
Show them you care
And you'll be glad if you do
The young ones are hungry
Their nests are so bare
All it takes is tuppence from you

Feed the birds, tuppence a bag
Tuppence, tuppence, tuppence a bag
Feed the birds," that's what she cries
While overhead, her birds fill the skies

All around the cathedral the saints and apostles
Look down as she sells her wares
Although you can't see them,
You know they are smiling
Each time someone shows that he cares

She got distracted and didn't sing this verse this time, but usually "Listen. Listen!" is my favorite part:
Though her words are simple and few
Listen. Listen! She's calling to you
"Feed the birds, tuppence a bag
Tuppence, tuppence, tuppence a bag"

It amazes me how well she manages this--especially words like "apostles"--when she has almost no idea what she's singing. Of course, she's heard it often. Very often. More often than I'd like...

And, on one of our marathon going-to-sleeps, when I couldn't get another song out I did start reciting to her...and The Apostle's Creed was one of the recitations... (Ha! That's a joke people. She doesn't know The Apostle's Creed. Yet.)

After this, she let her baby choose another song, another book, another song and finally put her to bed.

color me clever

Or persistent. Or stubborn. Bull-headed. Single-minded. Subversive...

Remember they wouldn't give me any pictures of Lexi's groupmates? (Okay, if you didn't, they wouldn't. And I wasn't best pleased. To put it very nicely.)

Lexi loves, needs her photo albums. She pours over them. They didn't give her back her photo album when we left, but I had copies of pictures and made her a new one in Moscow. She still looks at it just about every day and talks about what we played. (Mama puuuush. Bubbles!)

She spends more time on the crying pictures than any other. We talk each time about how sad Mama was and how sad Sasha was. We talk about how it is normal to cry. It is good to cry when we are sad. We say that it was time to say goodbye, but that Mama said she would come back. And Mama came back!

Duh, Kate. Last week (that's the duh--it took until last week) I made her another album of photos from the time we left the orphanage. She looks through this one daily, too, commenting on her flag, my flag and how little Alexander is. She talks about the airplane and her new passport. She talks about the big angel in the square outside the Hermitage.

So, you know what I did today? Color me clever --I went on the database and found pictures of children from her orphanage! (I could tell from the way the photos were staged.) Although I only found about six, two of them were the people she was asking about. At least now I have something to show her!

Just btw, her picture has been off the database for at least two weeks.

something's clean

For the Russian speakers out there:

I thought I heard Lexi talking about something clean today.

Cheeste minna.

"Clean" was clear as a bell, but minna? What's a minna?

Then I heard my exact, sing-song inflection in her voice as she told her doll,

Kookla, cheeste minna.

and I understood.

Just a minute. ;>

this is BIG

Well, it is to us. Or at least it is to me. She was unfazed and denied it even happened.

Today, during rest time (looking at books, playing with doll or magnets on bed) Lexi SLEPT.

This is the first time she's done this on her own. Usually, no matter how tired she is, she'll fight hard to stay awake--singing or reading louder and louder. If she naps these days, it's because I've decided that she is soooo tired that she has to "sleep a little" instead of resting. Sleep, big or little, means our usual books/talking/praying/rocking & singing.

The fact that she let herself sleep, all on her own, trusting that I'd be there when she woke up, is BIG!

just plain nothing

all i want to do is buy some tv shows on iTunes to watch. that's all. WHY do i first have to update both iTunes *and* safari (which I never use as am loyal to firefox)? and you know i'll have to shut my computer down once i do that.

surely it should not be taking days to do this.

okay. fine. so you don't care that i'm tv deprived. or that the cold i nipped in the bud last week is mounting a re-attack. (there is a better word for that...) or that i am so *happy* that the cleaner came today and it wasn't me. (i canceled last week because we were in the throes of insecurity and i didn't want to take lex out of the flat while the cleaner cleaned. and i can't be here and just, you know, watch.) that's not why you're here.

in lexi news, she was talking about airplanes yesterday and the day before. and, it makes sense because in our life together we haven't spent this long in one place. it was time for us to hop an international flight.

i kept explaining we weren't going anywhere. we looked at the put-away suitcases. we talked about the cats. we talked about how we were home.

but every time we had this conversation the final word was always hers:

Mamu, I need an airplane.

"a flower grows"

(Look closely. It's blue. And has rain. The artist had a light touch.)

four weeks together

Well, I'm discounting 'most all of you from my research since you've skewed the results. ;>

I didn't, of course, expect that pi issues would be cleared up at six weeks. That's...insane, naive and just...ridiculous to imagine. But I have heard (though not from most of you) that at six weeks things just kind of settle into life, that "new normal" that is so often mentioned.

And, I am declaring that is together that counts--no matter how long.

Today is four weeks together! We left the orphanage a month ago. Lexi is bigger. I can tell when I pick her up and by the way she fits in my lap. Her little tummy is no longer concave. She weighs 17.4 kg and is 111 cm tall. That's a gain of at least .8 kg and a centimeter (I didn't measure anything until I got back to Russia, but the doctor in Moscow said she was 110 cm. The .8 kg has been added in two weeks!)

Her eating is better, her sleeping is better, she is more confident. She dances and sings and tells stories and pretends. She skips and turns somersaults. She paints and colors. She loves to go for a walk, to swing, to slide and to jump. She is much more compassionate with her doll. (This is the result of her receiving better care and of my fostering attachment with her doll. Seriously. I've worked to get her to attach to her doll, her bear, her blanket...) Her drawings are maturing. She is taking more risks (though still very few) and making choices between two options. She is almost always obedient--with a very few testing behaviours. She easily observes physical boundaries--not touching anything on Mama's desk, only playing in the living room or her room, etc. She always "stays with Mama" when we go out. She has "sleeping equipment" like Mary Helen Miller and receives kisses (cheek, lips, cheek, lips, cheek) like Samantha Pelican (shout out to two amazing young women I knew way back when they were Lexi's age).

Every word we come upon, like the FBI warning on a dvd, says, "Lexi" except for the few that say, "Mama".

She loves "Burton Ernie" (yes, she's added a syllable) but has a real soft spot for Bert. She loves Kipper, but only the first dvd we watched. (Part of my keeping her world small is limiting not only contact with other people, but also limiting the toys she plays with, the dvd's she watches, the books she read and the lullabyes and vocabulary she hears. The repetition can be mind-numbing to me, but she is thriving on it--singing the lullabyes and "reading" the books. Slowly we're increasing it, but she still has a strong preference to the first things. So we're sticking with those.)

She likes to eat just about everything except raisins and corn (no surprise on the corn).

And if you ask her, "Who loves you?" Her answer is a confident and immediate, "Mama!" The question"Big or little?" gets the same confident response, "BIG!"

She doesn't repeat English words right after she hears them, but they come popping out of her mouth days later correctly. I'm not including words like giraffe, lemon, puzzle, etc. which are similar in both languages. English words/phrases she uses often (so we know it's not a fluke):

beautiful
good girl

good job

push

please push the button

push your foot

help
okay, no
let's go

bubbles, clay
flag, America flag

milk, pasta, juice, muffin, peas, zuchinni
more

honey (as an endearment--the first time was when I conked her foot on the doorjamb and said, "Oh, I'm so sorry!" she added, "Honey!")

cow, duck, pig, horse, kitty cat, snake, sheep, bunny
(she knows "dog" but doesn't use it)
baby

to the sink, to the trash can, to the table

all done, all gone

little, big
up, down, fast
kick, (playing ball) spit (brushing teeth) jump

snort & snuff (from Moo, Baa which she endearingly used to get confused with "That's enough". Now it's just a name for rhinos.)

that's enough

tummy, teeth, hand, back

chew and swallow, put it in your tummy

socks, pajamas, shoes

stop, stop it

hello, good-bye, hi, good morning

almost home
just a minute

bleh, bleck--which she thinks are real words

blue, pink, purple
tissues
counts to ten (usually with one-to-one correspondence)
Beazy, Mia
Kipper, Bert, Ernie, Oscar, Cookie Monster, Grover, (Big Bird is still in Russian)

Mama and Lexi!
Amen!

I'm sure there's more. And, as I said yesterday, her receptive vocabulary is much larger than her expressive vocabulary. And, she uses them together. "Oh no! Bert's nose! Ernie (took) Bert's nose (and put it on the) clay."

It's interesting for me to see what is missing here. There are phrases we use all the time, and I've started using them in English, but like "dog" she just prefers the Russian for now. Things like, Do you/I need, Do you/I want, please, thank you, stay with Mama, tired, rest, sleep, eat, why, because

Oh--she sings a verse of her lullabyes when she's tired:
Feed the birds, tuppence a bag. Tuppence, tuppence, tuppence a bag.
Sleep, oh, my child, now sleep. Mama her vigil dosh keep. (It's really "my darling" but I must've sung it this way once, 'cause that's how it is every time she sings it. So I've changed mine. I like the part of this one that says Soft be thy slumbers and deep)
One supona time, long ago (I love that this one says, My child, my very own, don't be afraid, you're not alone. Sleep until the dawn for all is well. but she doesn't know that part yet.)
Sweet little baby...(from An American Lullabye)
She doesn't sing Stay Awake. I guess she doesn't appreciate the reverse psychology.

She also sings Ladybug Picnic (which is only recognizable by the counting and the tune--her pitch is great, btw) Two Little Girls, J, Jump, Joyful and Three of these Things from Sesame Street.

I'll do attachment post later. Yesterday was a hard day simply because *I* was having a hard day. A change of scene, a call from a friend and thinking about an attachment post, and all the things that are going well (I won't say That we're doing right because I'm not convince there is a right. But, I will share what has been working for us. A lot has. A. lot.) helped.

Here. See for yourself:

The first two are from today--official one-month photos (I may steal Barb's sidebar idea.)

Displaying her amazing bedtime fashion sense--note top tucked into bottoms and bottoms tucked into socks; socks she was delighted to find in her drawer exclaiming, "I love black!" She gets very concerned that the animals in The Going to Bed Book have pajamas but no socks. I have declared socks, for almost all occasions, to be something that she can have complete control over. You laugh, but there are many days when I cringe at the choice and have to remind myself that socks.don't.matter. (even when they can be seen through her cute, brown mary janes)

This is how "Bunny Xychik" was talking last night--in a very deep voice.

And all ready to go out yesterday! We've moved from fall coats to winter ones already. Wish that little pink one could be worn by Lexi more...Maybe...
If not, I know it will be well-worn by someone.

six weeks when?

I've read a lot of personal accounts of adoption. A. Lot. Talked to friends, read books, read blogs, been on forums...

"Six weeks" seems to be everyone's turning point.

Just wondering...is that six weeks together or six weeks home?

Tomorrow will be four weeks together. But it's only a week and a half home.

(It's rest time and I have decided to NOT do any work during rest times or nap times. I also try not to sleep. As much as I need it, I need time alone more. I used look forward to watching a tv show during rest times or nap times, but all my stored tv shows are now inaccessible. I need to go find them all on iTunes... Don't talk tv to me until I'm caught up, please! ;> Fortunately for you, I'm too spent to wrestle with iTunes and the calendar right now, so you get a blog post.)

Really, we're just working on post-institutional behaviours. And, very likely, pre-institutional issues. All of which (at least, all that I see now), very predictably, are related to eating (just manners) and sleeping.

Fortunately, she is attaching very, very well. (That's too big to be a part of this post. It should have a post of its own.) Given the choice I'd choose pi issues over attachment issues any day. So, for that, I am extremely grateful.

A note on language since I'm not sure I'll do the one-month post I'd planned to do and you're all interested: I started out, during our orphanage visits, speaking exclusively Russian to her. Once she was with me, I slowly added English. Now, I speak English and Russian to her--more and more English and less and less Russian.

She will lose her Russian, just as most other adopted-by-Americans-who-don't-speak-Russian do. (I can communicate in Russian, but I don't speak it.) And, really, I think the sooner that happens the better. We've got seven weeks (I think) until we go back to school. (I remind myself daily to just live today, to enjoy being home and not worry about working on things to make going to school easier. I may start working on those in another months, though...) Especially when we're out in a world that speaks Russian, Lexi speaking English will help her attachment to me. She will have Russian classes in school and may choose to re-learn it (easily) later in life. But, I'm not going to try to keep her bilingual.

I have a running list of words and phrases she uses in English, but no time to post that for you. Her receptive language is, of course, much better than her spoken language. Last night I said, "Your pajama top is under the pillow on the bed in Mama's room. Please go and get it." She did with no problem. Yes, she had context clues--we were getting ready for bed and there were only pajama bottoms. But, who says you can't use context cues? Use 'em!

Right now she has very strong, very negative reactions to people speaking Russian to her. She also has very strong, negative reactions to what is normal in this culture--the immediate, familiar endearment of "Sashenka" and people touching her--taking her hand, touching her head. Frankly, even if she didn't have a hard time with it, I would. To this American, it's too familiar. It feels invasive and presumptuous. It invades my personal space bubble--physically and emotionally.

Yes, it's the culture we're living in and we need to find a way to change us and not it while we're here. For now, when we're meeting new people I pick her up. That way, she feels more secure and they're less likely to touch her. I can turn her away from them. I introduce her only as Lexi (which perplexes many people who hear it as "Alexei", but I've decided that it's okay to perplex them) and not Alexandra. And, with friends we happen upon while out, my greeting is "Hi-please-speak-English-and-don't-touch-her." So far, friends have been responsive to that.

We also just. stay. home. as much as is possible. We do have to grocery shop, but we do it early in the mornings when the stores are empty every two weeks or so. We do need to go to the playground, but we did it on a Sunday afternoon when no one was on our school playground. We need to get out and walk and breathe--but we do it rarely, when and where we can be anonymous. It's not forever. It's just for now.

And, when I didn't do this, when a nice, nice, nice babushka who is one of our concierges was overjoyed to finally meet her and called her "Sashenka" and took her hand...that's when the sleeping issues re-surfaced. They're getting better. But, they're not as good as they were.

But whether it's around six weeks together (oh, I hope, I hope) or six weeks home that things feel more normal, I know that each day we're getting better. And really, what more could I ask?