20 April 2009

girl of substance

About a month ago when I was praying for d2b--that they are safe, sleeping well, that they smiled at something today, that they are loved, that their hearts would be prepared for me, that a longing for a family would be present and growing in their hearts, that I'd know them, that they would be beautiful in my eyes, that the right children would be referred to me first--something felt different. There was more weight to her. (I started to think it really was only one child.) She felt more solid, more like a person I know and less like someone I don't.

That was a week or two before I heard that I'll hear soon.

I still am hoping for sisters, but I think d2b is singular.
I am hoping she's five--or even six, but have a feeling she is four.
I have no idea what she looks like.
I can feel her hand in mine.

This is an excerpt from a yahoo group post I wrote shortly after my paperwork was approved. I thought it should be here, too:

I just wonder who and when. I have looked at the little faces on the databank for my region. There's a little girl with dimples so deep and a smile so open that you just want to raspberry her belly to hear her laugh. Those dimples are very kissable.

There is a little girl who is so delicate and gentle. She wants a slow, quiet place to blossom. She makes me feel very protective.

And a third little girl has the most beautiful hands. Her little picture is posed during a recitation or a dance. She has a big grin and just looks like she's having fun.

There is a little pixie who is glancing sideways at the camera and smiling impishly.

These four... I can't help but wonder. It's very likely that d2b isn't on that database at all. And the majority of the pictures there are so sad--children with obvious challenges. But these four little ones give me hope.


J. said...

What a great post! You'll find that long after d2b is safely home, you'll still go back and wonder about the others. For us, the children we left behind - the children who almost certainly will never know the joy of being held, kissed or comforted by a parent, are the ones who we will continue to carry in our hearts, forever. We must hold onto the thought that are protected by Him, the Glorious God who brought our sons home to us.

Having spent SO much time in the baby homes, and getting to know so many of these precious kids, has carved a special place in our hearts for them, and for that I am grateful!

Annie said...

Your post just fills me with the most incredible....emotion. Something so deep it has no name.

How many times I have looked, looked, looked at those photographs.

My own dear children - Anastasia and Ilya....had the most dreadful photographs on the database that I've ever seen. I will never know why they posted those and didn't have someone take new ones. New ones existed, even! But the black and white photos they used were taken the day the children were removed from their home; the boys (Ilya and two teenaged brothers) - big boys! were sobbing; their heads were shaven. Anastasia is staring straight ahead with that look she will have of repressed anger, resistance. No one would EVER have adopted them from looking at the photos....especially when ALL the other photos of children from that region were colored, most of cheerful children, performing at a Yolka, or in the sun with green grass behind them. I will never understand those photos....but I do understand the longing and fruitless love in a mother's heart that sinks deep into those photographs.

Well....it WILL be interesting to see how right you are. :)

annmarie said...

My middle name is Nostradamus. matches the last name, I suppose...anyway, you are getting two girls. One will be 4 this summer and the other will be 6.5. They will be brunette and the 4 year old will be a total troublemaker. The 6.5 year old will be opinionated and very much into fashion. You're in trouble.

Lauri said...

I so remember that longing.. the fuzzy image of a child yet to be in my dreams.We always thought boy but my heart jumped for joy when they said they had a girl for us and somehow it all worked out.

I think you will have one little girl and what a pair you two will be

Jen said...

May your daughter-to-be be revealed to you very soon!

Tami said...

The part of the adoption process I love the most is when the child you are about to adopt becomes REAL to you. Its the point in the journey when all of the hard work is behind you and all that is left is the waiting and the wondering...and you're suddenly hit with the realization that this person is REAL and they're out there just waiting for you to find them.
But the joy of the knowing is often tempered by the knowledge that it will be awhile yet before you can hold them, comfort them, be there for them.
We'll keep d(s)2b in our prayers (I'm still hoping for two! :) And you too. You are about to take a step into an amazing place Kate! I can't wait to share the journey with you! :)

Jim said...

One of your best posts, to be sure. You have a gift to be able to capture the emotion of the wait in just a little fragment of prose.

Isn't it amazing? And isn't it even more amazing, as strong as your feelings are now, that He has known your child(ren) since before the foundations of the world were laid?

julian said...

My big girl's adoption was so "old school" that the photo databank was not created...And with the wee one, I didn't know her only three girls that shared the same birthmonth...I was wrong. But thats okay, my friend got the other child I had fallen for...
I still think its two. But younger than you expect. Much younger...
I am thinking the big one is 4 and the little one is around 2...
You can name them, Julie and Anne!!

I am so thrilled to be a long distance part of this. I really think you will hear something next week. Fingers crossed!!

votemom said...

God works so myseriously - isn't it cool?!!

perhaps He is tenderly changing the desire of your heart.... for that one little soul who you will walk this life with.

or maybe you are in for a surprise.

either way, when it's Him, it's all good.

He certainly took me by surprise. i'm excited to be surprised again with you!!!!

beckyww said...

Lovely post! Be sure to keep it for d2b so she can say, "Mom - how did you know?!" :-)

Matt and Carla Morgan said...

:) Hope can be such a beautiful feeling.

It's feeling so imminent. I can hardly stand it!



Jenni said...

I love this post. I remember so well looking at the database pictures and wondering if any of those children would one day be mine. I had a gut feeling that I would have a brown haired, blue-eyed 3 year old son and a blond, blue-eyed 18 month old daughter. The only thing my gut got right was Eamon's age!

I can't wait to see how well your gut feelings predict what actually comes to be.

Lakeshore Cottage Living said...

I am so glad you found my blog so that I could find yours! I am so excited for you!!! What an exciting time. Just remember...savor this time...enjoy the anticipation...it is part of the journey.

I cannot wait to hear about a referral for you.


PS..my first blog is private and I no longer post on it. It had a lot of personal information about last year and the journey to my new little princess so instead of deleting it...I just started a new blog. Again...glad you found me!